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lili widarsa

About Her


Position : a teacher, a trainer, a consultant
Location: Bandung, West Java, Indonesia
Her self : A soul going on the journey to complete her circle.
Interests :  Reading, watching, writing
Favorites Music : Kevin Kern, Emi Fujita, Kitaro, Maxim, David Lanz, Josh Groban, Il Divo, Michael Buble
Favorite Books :  The Power of A Positive Mom, Discipline Book, Have A Little Faith, Madre, Perahu Kertas.
Her Link : http://liliwidarsa.blogspot.com/


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Tahukah Engkau, Tuhan?

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Kalau Tuhan mengenal setiap ciptaanNya bahkan sebelum mereka dikandung, apakah Dia juga tahu bahwa Adam dan Hawa akan jatuh dalam dosa? Tahukah Dia bahwa akan ada seekor ular, yang merupakan ciptaanNya juga, yang menggoda Hawa hingga Hawa kemudian mengajak Adam untuk mereguk 'kebahagiaan' bersama? Apakah Dia tahu bahwa ciptaanNya yang paling sempurna akan mengkhianatiNya?

Tuhan mengijinkan adanya hal buruk karena dari hal yang buruk akan ada hal baik yang muncul. Akan ada kemuliaan yang menyeruak keluar dari kumpulan dosa dan kesalahan. Apakah ini berarti Tuhan memang menciptakan sebagian makhluk ciptaanNya  untuk menjadi martir? Menjadi alat agar kemuliaanNya bersinar dan dapat dirasakan oleh banyak orang?

Saya belum menemukan jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu tapi saya belajar satu hal. Di antara selaksa ciptaanNya, hanya ciptaanNya di hari keenam inilah yang diciptakan serupa dengan Allah. Manusia diciptakan dengan kebebasan untuk tetap setia dalam persahabatan intim denganNya atau akan mengedepankan kepentingannya sendiri di atas keberserahannya akan kehendak dan aturan Allah. Kebebasan ini merupakan elemen bawaan yang sepertinya merupakan konsekuensi dari menjadi serupa dengan Allah - kita diperlengkapi dengan self-knowledge dan self-possession. Proses pencarian diri menjadi sangat berarti dalam kehidupan manusia karena proses inilah yang akan menjadikan manusia makhluk yang bertumbuh dan mendewasa dan dapat mendekatkan diri pada panggilan yang sudah Dia tetapkan.

Masalahnya, setiap manusia, dengan dosa asal yang diwariskan oleh Adam dan Hawa, memang akan menua dan kembali menjadi debu. Namun proses menua ini belum tentu dibarengi dengan proses mendewasa yang dibutuhkan untuk makin mendekatkan diri pada hakikat kemuliaan kita sebagai makhluk yang diciptakan sesuai rupa Allah.

Celakanya lagi, kecerdasan tingkat tinggi yang Tuhan berikan pada setiap dari kita seringkali membuat kita malah merasa menjadi tuhan. Tinggi hati, merasa diri paling pintar dan paling benar. Orang lain hanya makhluk-makhluk kacangan yang mengganggu stabilitas kehidupannya. Sok tahu, merasa mampu membuat kesimpulan untuk masa depan dengan berdalih analisa logika. Sok kuat, merasa punya otoritas atas masalah yang datang tanpa mau berserah pada kehendak Sang Pemberi Kehidupan. Besar kepala, menilai segala sesuatu dari ukuran intelektual sehingga lupa bahwa sebagai makhluk yang diciptakan serupa dengan gambar Allah, manusia diberikan tugas untuk berelasi dengan sesama dalam tataran kasih dan pelayanan.

“Sebelum Aku membentuk engkau dalam rahim ibumu, Aku telah mengenal engkau, dan sebelum engkau keluar dari kandungan, Aku telah menguduskan engkau, Aku telah menetapkan engkau menjadi nabi bagi bangsa-bangsa.” (Yer 1:5) Maka tahukah Engkau, Tuhan, apakah aku akan melangkah menjauhiMu atau akankah aku setia pada panggilanku seumur hidupku?


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The Time God Saved Me In United Kingdom by Nicholas Budiman

Saturday, November 7, 2015

I was exhausted. I finally reached United Kingdom. I looked around and smelled the fresh air. I could feel the breeze blowing. It was an awesome holiday. Until last night.

Last night was very scary. It went like this.
I got ready for bed after a long trip from Jogjakarta. I brushed my teeth, did my "business", and changed my clothes then I jumped to bed and turned on the TV. I watched BBC and fell asleep. I woke up three hours later feeling very cold. The lights were off, the TV was off, and the AC was on. I didn't remember doing all these stuff. It was very creepy and scary. I pulled the covers and tried to sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep because I felt something weird.

I couldn't sleep because I felt something watching me from the corner of the room. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. Suddenly I was surrounded by a thick white mist. I wasn't on the bed anymore. I was on plain ground. I looked around and saw a big shadow coming closer to me. I screamed and prayed numerous times until the mist dissolved. The big shadow wasn't there and I was back in my room in the original state, light on, TV on, and AC off. Since that night I never went back to that room. I changed rooms with another customer.

FIVE YEARS LATER
I walked into a book and movie store. I asked the owner about horror books and movies then I found a book entitled "The Ghosts of The United Kingdom" and I also found a movie entitled "The Black Shadow". I bought both the book and the film and brought them home. At home I started to read the book and I realised the story was like my experience. So I stopped and watched the movie. Halfway through the movie I saw the black shadow and I froze. The black shadow was the shadow from my experience five years earlier.

The End

#noedit


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The Time I Went Camping - Part 1 by Nicholas Budiman

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

It was dark when we reached there. The boat rocked when it hit the side. I woke up from my dreamless sleep and looked up. We were on a misty island with a small red brick house, a bed of dead flowers and mist beyond the flowers. We walked up the island and set camp in the red brick house.

I woke up because I heard a sound. A strange, yet familiar sound. I took my flashlight and walked outside. I walked slowly out of the red brick house and looked around. I saw something bright in the lake. I heard the familiar sound again. I looked to the left and walked slowly to the bed of dead flowers. There, the sound was so clear I could feel it in my body. Then I realised it was my dogs howling. A shower of relief washed over me.

I walked up to the red brick house and slipped inside. I was shocked because suddenly the red brick house was full of weird animals running around.

I shot up in the tent and looked around. I realised that it was only a dream. Suddenly, I heard a strange yet familiar sound.

~ to be continued


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I Love You As I Love You

Sunday, October 18, 2015

It's funny that time and time again people should feel the need to elaborate and define the kind of love they have towards someone. It's true that 'love' has a lot of different meanings in different contexts but when two people truly love each other they should readily know the kind of love that they both share. There should be no need for elaboration.  

To me, love is unique.
It's unique for each individual that becomes the object of my affection.
I love different people in different ways, at different depths. No two people get exactly the same kind of love; simply because love is as unique as the people feeling it. Thus, love speaks for itself and needs no explanation.

For me, love goes beyond mere reasons.
At one point in my life, I came to realize that I don't need to have definite reasons for loving someone the way I do. Love exists because of love itself. I don't love someone due to particular qualities that they have. I may like someone because he's kind. I may like someone because she's smart. I may even like someone because he looks stunning. But when I love someone, it's just because I love them.

The way I see it, love is everything that is not.
It's almost impossible to define what love entails. Happiness, content, passion, serenity, calmness? Or sadness, wishful longings and hopes, uncertainties, nerve-wracking anticipations, anxieties? Love is everything that is intoxicating, and yet everything that is disconsolating. Because one cannot exist without the other.

And to me, love is love.
I don't love someone as a lover.
I don't love someone as a child.
I don't love someone as a parent.
I don't love someone as a sibling.
I don't love someone as a friend.

I love someone as an individual that completes me.
I love someone as they are.
I can't define who and what they are to me because love goes beyond who and what.


Oct 18, 2015
01.23

Also dedicated to a friend who's in a dilema ~ love is bound to bring confusion ☺.


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I Am Letting You Grow

Monday, August 3, 2015

"Can I go to school by bike, Mom?" Nick has been asking that question for months now and the thought of my 11-year-old boy riding in a 'wild and scary' traffic was enough to make my stomach churn. It was not so much because of the distance, but, in my opinon, the traffic was really unbelievable. "Not yet," was the only 'logical' answer I could give him. Until one day he changed his request. "Tomorrow, can I go to church by bike, Mom?"

It's only about 1km from home to our church but, again, that's not the point. I didn't know what to say but I knew I had to make a decision.

His adamant request brought me back to the time when he insisted on going camping with Woodcamp. It was a hard decision for me to let my then 8-year-old boy go on a camping trip to a place I hardly know. I remember clearly how worried and uneasy I was before he left. I remember even more clearly how I felt during the time that he was away. Lots of "what if's" came rushing into my head in torrents. I also remember that in the end I surrendered in continuous prayers, asking God to stay with him every single second.

Did he come back fine?
No! He didn't come back fine. He came back wonderfully. He came back a new person - happier, more mature, and more confident than he was before he left. Proudly, he told us all. He told us that camping was fun. He also told us, with immeasurable pride, that he was worried at night but he could conquer it. It was then I knew that my little boy, my little Eaglet, had grown up. He was ready to soar. And I, too, should be ready to have an empty nest soon.

"But him riding a bike on the road by himself is a different matter," I heard myself say. Going camping is a lot safer because he is never alone. He has companies. Should anything happen to him, there would be his buddies and coaches to help him. But riding a bike on his own? What if? And there I was with fears and worries running through my head. I could hear myself saying "I know I have to let him do it. It's just not now."

His Dad was more at ease with the idea of Nick riding to church, though. "It's not that far," he said. And, I guess, the fact that he started going places by himself on his bike at the age of 12 made it easier for him to say yes. Still, I was not very sure. As the day came to an end, I still couldn't make a decision, but I was not as adamant as I was before. I still had a few more hours to think and consider but I knew I had to decide soon.

The next day, before the break of dawn, some very strong words hit me. "You have to let him grow. Just believe in God's grace. In the name of love for Nick and his future" a friend told me. It was spot on.

If I truly love him, I have to let him grow.

In the morning, his Dad and I had the "final" talk. We agreed that our decisions about his camping trips had been fruitful for Nick and it was all because we had given him a chance; a chance to prove himself and a chance to grow. So when he said "If you didn't give him a chance, he wouldn't grow," my mind was made up.

I am letting you grow, My Li'l Eaglet.
Fly! Soar! My prayers are always with you.


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Kesabaran Tanpa Batas, Mampukah?

Thursday, August 7, 2014


Lebih dari satu bulan terakhir ini saya banyak mendengar pertanyaan (yang lebih terdengar seperti tuduhan) “kenapa sih selalu negative thinking?” diucapkan oleh seorang teman (yang pernah) dekat pada saya. Reaksi pertama saya tentu saja berusaha membela diri dan mencari pembenaran atas perilaku dan ucap saya yang membuat dia berkata seperti itu.

Hari ini, lebih dari satu bulan sejak kalimat itu pertama kali muncul, saya mulai berdiam diri dan berpikir. Kenapa dia terus menerus berkata seperti itu dan apa yang saya lakukan yang membuat dia terus menerus merasa dihakimi?

Bukannya menemukan jawaban atas kebingungan saya, pemikiran dan perenungan saya malah mengarah pada pertanyaan-pertanyaan baru. Pertanyaan yang paling menarik adalah: “Apakah kesabaran mempunyai batas?” atau lebih tepatnya “Apakah manusia boleh menarik garis batas pada kesabarannya?”

Seharusnya jawaban ideal mungkin “tidak” karena Tuhan juga maha sabar. Dan kita harus hidup serupa dengan gambaranNya. Namun betapa sulit untuk memanjangkan sabar dan menariknya sampai tanpa batas. Sedangkan jika tidak melihat nilai-nilai ideal, kesabaran itu seharusnya berbatas. Mengapa? Karena dalam setiap hubungan – baik rekan kerja, pertemanan, persahabatan, atau keluarga – diperlukan keseimbangan. Keseimbangan inilah yang menjadi ukuran kesuksesan suatu hubungan.

Keseimbangan seperti apa yang dimaksud?

Bayangkan sebuah karet gelang yang ditarik terus sampai batas terjauh yang mampu ditoleransi. Bahkan saat karet itu sudah mencapai batas terjauhnya, dia tetap ditarik dengan kekuatan yang sama. Apa yang akan terjadi? Karet tersebut akan putus. Dan saat itu terjadi, jari kita akan terkena “serangan balik” si karet. Perih dan menyakitkan.

Itulah kira-kira yang terjadi saat seseorang dipaksa untuk terus bersabar menghadapi tekanan dan serangan dari sekitarnya. Jika dipaksa bersabar menerima perlakuan yang tidak adil dari kacamatanya, dia akan mencapai batas toleransi. Batas toleransi ini berbeda untuk setiap orang namun batas itulah yang memberikan tanda bahwa enough is enough. Dia bisa “memukul” orang yang menekannya atau dia akan menjauh selamanya.

Maka tidaklah adil bagi seseorang untuk terus menekan orang lain untuk selalu sabar sementara dia berkutat di balik ‘kelemahan’nya. Boleh saja dia berkata “saya sedang didera banyak masalah jadi saya perlu kamu mengerti.” Namun sampai sejauh mana pengertian itu harus diberikan? Terutama karena dalam hidup semua orang pastilah mengalami masalah. Jika dia minta dimengerti, bukankah dia juga harus memberikan pengertiannya pada orang lain? Bukankah hidup bermasyarakat itu pada hakikatnya saling mengerti dan saling berbagi kesabaran?

Pada akhirnya saya tiba pada kesadaran bahwa saya harus menarik diri dari hubungan pertemanan yang tidak seimbang. Dalam hubungan pertemanan yang proses komunikasinya berjalan satu arah dimana saya harus selalu bisa mengetahui hal-hal yang tidak pernah diceritakan. Dalam hubungan pertemanan yang menuntut saya untuk menjadi manusia setengah dewa yang mampu mengetahui segala hal dengan hanya menggunakan kemampuan telepati.

Betul bahwa saya harus selalu berpikir positif dalam setiap keadaan. Tapi saat saya dihadapkan pada banyak kondisi yang membuka lebar potensi pikiran-pikiran negative, berpikir positif menjadi tantangan yang sangat berat. Saya punya pilihan untuk menjauh. Dan itu yang saya lakukan. Satu bulan lebih tuduhan itu terus dilayangkan pada saya. Sebelum saya menjadi orang yang selalu curiga dan berpikir negative, saya harus menyelamatkan diri.

Jadi kesimpulan akhir dari perenungan membawa saya pada kesadaran penuh bahwa kesabaran itu mempunyai batas. Bahkan, (setelah berdiskusi dengan beberapa orang terdekat) saya teringat bahwa Tuhan saja pernah marah. Bukankah hal itu menunjukkan bahwa Tuhan pun punya batas toleransi?

Oleh sebab itu, saat ini saya mengucapkan selamat tinggal pada sebuah hubungan pertemanan yang membuat saya menjadi tidak damai sejahtera. Terima kasih untuk waktu dan pelajaran yang sudah diberikan.



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7 Signs That Your Relationship Is For Real

Saturday, July 5, 2014




How do you know that he/she is the one for you?
Can you tell whether your relationship will last a lifetime?
For those looking for definite answers, this is NOT the place. Sorry…
Because the answer is: You can’t!

However, there are
7 signs that you can look out for to see whether your relationship stands a chance of weathering thunder and storm.

1. Understand That You Have A Baggage, And So Does Your Partner!

Unless you were born yesterday, you certainly have a baggage from your experiences. It can be an ex (or a series of ex’s, for that matter), a traumatic experience, unresolved issues, and other skeletons in your closet that you are not too proud of. You certainly will not like it when your partner makes a big deal out of your past. There is nothing you can do about it, is there? For one, you cannot erase history. And another thing, which is more important is that, it is those experiences that shape you the way you are now.

So, when you are busy spending time dragging your partner’s baggage, stop it! And when your partner is busy dragging your baggage despite your pleas for her to stop, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. She may not be the one that you want to hang on to!


2. Acknowledge Differences And Respect Them

Let’s play a little game here.
Think of your favorite color! Now imagine the world in that color. The trees, the flowers, the buildings around you, the tables and chairs, the computer in front of you, the gadget you’re holding right now, the clothes that people wear around you, everything… every single thing around you all comes in your favorite color. How would you feel?

I can think of only one word: BORING!

For life to be interesting, things have to come in different sizes, colors, and shapes. For our life to be interesting, people around you have to be different in characters, thoughts, and interests, among other things. Otherwise, you would be dating yourself. You would be spending the rest of your life with you. You would be interacting with you. Interesting? In the beginning, maybe (although I personally doubt it.) After one month? You’d be screaming your lungs out so that you could get out of this weird relationship.

So, if you consistently acknowledge your partner’s uniqueness and differences, and vice versa, as something you can respect, you are on the right path to a healthy relationship that may last a lifetime. There is no one who is better than the other. We are just unique.


3. Control Is A Deal Breaker, So Don’t!

When you see point number two in your relationship, this one will come naturally. Once you can understand that people are unique in their own way, you will never want to control and change your partner the way you want them to be.

This one is often overlooked and, many times, I have seen friends having false beliefs that “once I marry him, I will make him stop spending time with his buddies,” or “once I marry her, she has to stop working and be a stay-at-home mom.”  Changes have to be made from within because you want to change and not because other people ask you to, not even your partner.

When you feel like controlling and feel the urge of changing your partner, this shows that you have not chosen him because of who and what he is. And this of course shows that he is not the one you will be happy spending the rest of your life with.


4. Have Different Interests

Contrary to what some people say, I believe that when people have a lot in common (a tad too many), things will soon be out of date. This includes the romance and sparks that your relationship offers in the beginning.

While having some similar interests is a must, having different hobbies and pastime activities is a compulsory if you want your relationship to last a lifetime. By having time to do things as an individual, you will definitely have stories to share. And by spending time separately to pursue your own interest, you will be able to respect the time you spend together even more.

Another reason is more personal. Just like how shared hobbies and interests can glue the two of you, some different pastime activities serve as a media for you to relate to your own self. You need to build a relationship with yourself, too, so you can always grow and be a better you - for your sake, her sake, and for the sake of the relationship.

So when your partner gets angry because you spend a fair amount of time doing what you like, it’s probably time to have that talk about where your relationship is going.


5. People Change, Otherwise They Became Obsolete

“You’re different now. You never call during lunch time as you used to do!”
Well, when you see changes in your partner, it’s good! It’s good that your partner is different. That means that she is a healthy individual. She grows and improves.

Now, more than ever, our world changes continuously in a rate that we could only imagine 20 years ago. Information comes in torrents and we would be lucky if we could absorb half of it. Therefore, when we do not change the way we think and behave to adjust to the changes and improvements around us, we are facing extinction.

This applies to relationships. As a relationship matures, the people in it have to adapt and adjust; otherwise, the relationship could never be expected to reach a higher and stronger level. So, if you find yourself asking your partner to stay the same after a year of going out together, you may want to reexamine yourself and your thoughts about your relationship.


6. No Pretense

If you were an introvert, how would you feel if you had to relate to a lot of different people in many different situations 24/7? I bet sooner or later you would have one of those anxiety attacks. Now, imagine being in a relationship where you have to pretend about mostly anything, 24/7, 365 days a year, for the rest of your life. How long do you think you will last?

This is a strong sign. If you cannot be yourself and have to act the way he wants you to act because you want to make him happy, it’s time to abort ship. You have to be safe and comfortable in your own skin. You have to be you because, as Oscar Wilde once said, others have already been taken.

If you can be yourself, talk about anything without worrying about what he might think about you, do crazy stuff without worrying that he might think less of you, you are in a relationship worth fighting for.


7. You Feel Complete

Apart from having your own activities, interests and hobbies that you can do separately, you know in the back of your heart that at the end of the day, it is your partner that you want to come "home" to. You know that when you are with him, you are complete. You feel comfortable, safe, and secure.

When you feel content and happy with him, then he completes you. You don’t have to think about what activities to do when you are together because even when you are not doing anything, you don’t feel bored. You don’t have to make an effort to find things to talk about because when you’re together, even silence is comforting. You don’t have to worry about what he may think about you, because what you are not, he is. With him, you are complete!



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Bilur Luka Masa Lalu

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Me: Kamu punya pilihan untuk mengantongi terus luka-luka masa lalumu... Kantongi terus sampai kamu mati.. Atau kamu lepaskan dan hidupmu akan lebih ringan! The choice is yours! You decide...
Friend: Biar aku kantongi terus sampai mati! Aku suka!



Dalam perjalanan kehidupan setiap manusia, masalah dan tantangan selalu datang. Masalah yang datang seharusnya ditujukan untuk mendewasakan kita. Membuat kita lebih kuat dan tangguh. Mengapa? Karena sebagai manusia kita harus berubah dan perubahan itu harus menuju ke arah yang lebih baik. Jika kita ingin keluar sebagai pemenang, bukankah kita harus menjadi mahir? Jika kita ingin menjadi mahir, bukankah kita harus berlatih? Rangkaian masalah dan tantangan inilah yang menjadi ajang bagi kita untuk berlatih. Berlatih mendewasakan diri. Berlatih menjadi tangguh. Dan berlatih tiada henti untuk menyelesaikan misi kita dalam hidup, misi yang diberikan oleh Sang Pencipta pada kita.

Namun sebagai manusia, ada banyak hal yang ternyata tidak mampu kita kontrol dengan mudah. Persepsi akan suatu keadaan dan masalah adalah salah satu dari sekian banyak hal yang tidak mampu kita kontrol. Manusia sangat mahir dalam membuat persepsi, terlepas dari apakah persepsi itu benar atau salah. Persepsi ini merupakan hasil dari bagaimana kita menginterpretasikan informasi yang kita terima melalui seluruh panca indera kita. Yang menyulitkan adalah bahwa interpretasi ini seringkali dipengaruhi oleh pengalaman-pengalaman kita sebelumnya. Selain pengalaman sebelumnya, interpretasi juga sangat dipengaruhi bagaimana suatu kejadian mempengaruhi emosi kita.

Nah, saat kita bicara emosi, pembahasan pun menjadi lebih dalam dan kompleks. Berbeda dengan logika, perasaan atau emosi merupakan hal yang lebih sulit diajak berkompromi. Mengapa? Karena emosi seolah memiliki jiwa dan pemikiran sendiri. Pemikiran yang berada jauh di alam bawah sadar sana yang sulit untuk dijangkau dengan kata-kata dan bujukan semata. Emosi inilah yang memberi warna pada suatu kejadian. Emosi inilah yang menetap lama setelah kejadiannya terlewati. Dan emosi ini yang kemudian menjadi benang penghubung antara suatu kejadian dengan perilaku kita dalam hidup.

Bayangkan saat kita sedang jatuh cinta. Lagu-lagu yang kita dengar di masa-masa itu biasanya melekat dalam memory kita begitu kuat, sehingga saat kita tiba-tiba mendengar lagu-lagu itu diputar belasan tahun kemudian, emosi kita seolah terbawa pada saat dimana kita sedang jatuh cinta. Lagu-lagu itu seolah membangunkan kembali memori masa lalu. Bahkan terkadang kita bisa mengingat dengan jelas wangi parfumnya, sentuhan lembutnya, kata-katanya… Begitu nyata dan jelas.

Jika saja kita bisa memilih kenangan mana yang ingin kita simpan dan mana yang ingin kita buang, hidup akan terasa jauh lebih mudah. Sayangnya, kenangan buruk juga menempati tempat yang sama dengan semua kenangan manis. Bahkan kenangan buruk biasanya melekat lebih kuat dan sangat mempengaruhi persepsi kita tentang suatu kejadian belasan bahkan puluhan tahun setelahnya. Dan kenangan ini menjadi batu sandungan saat kita menjalani hidup, menyelesaikan misi yang sedang kita tanggung.

Sebagai seorang konsultan, seorang terapis, dan terutama sebagai seorang teman, betapa ingin saya membantu agar batu sandungan itu berubah menjadi batu loncatan. Sebagai seorang konsultan, seorang terapis, dan terutama sebagai seorang teman, saya memegang satu misi penting. Bukan untuk menyembuhkan, bukan untuk memberikan solusi praktis, bukan untuk meringankan beban, tapi untuk mengubah pandangan yang kaku tentang suatu kejadian dan masalah yang dialami oleh orang yang datang pada saya. Benar bahwa mengubah persepsi bukanlah hal yang mudah tapi itu tidak berarti hal ini tidak dapat dilakukan. Easier said than done, but it’s not impossible.

Banyak cara yang dapat saya lakukan untuk melakukannya namun semua akan sia-sia jika mereka menolak bekerja sama. It takes two to tango! Semua harus dilakukan bersama-sama. Dan di satu titik, saya seringkali merasa tidak berdaya karena begitu keras mereka berpegang pada bilur-bilur luka itu.

Dan titik ini datang saat Tuhan membuat jalur kehidupan saya bertemu dengan jalur kehidupan seorang teman. Dalam hubungan pertemanan kami, saya sadari bahwa dia menyimpan bilur-bilur luka yang sangat dalam. Bilur-bilur luka yang begitu dalam sehingga mempengaruhi bagaimana dia menyikapi hubungan pertemanan. Kecurigaan dan ketakutan sangat mewarnai bagaimana dia berinteraksi dengan orang sekitarnya. Tanpa disadari dia membangun tembok yang sangat tinggi dan tebal antara dirinya dengan orang lain, terutama dengan orang yang mengasihinya. Berulang kali dia, secara sadar maupun tidak, melakukan hal yang menyakiti orang sekitarnya. Berulang kali dia mengucapkan hal-hal yang tidak seharusnya dia ucapkan.

Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat. Dia menyadari apa yang dilakukan dan diucapkannya menyakiti hati orang sekitarnya namun paku sudah tertancap dan menorehkan bekas yang semakin lama semakin dalam. Tidak tertutup kemungkinan bahwa orang sekitarnya lama-lama akan menjauh demi menyelamatkan diri mereka dari perasaan tidak nyaman; hal yang sangat manusiawi. Saat ini terjadi, dia akan terpukul oleh boomerang yang dilemparnya sendiri. Saat teman-temannya meninggalkannya, bilur luka baru akan muncul menambah luka-luka lama yang masih menganga. Dia akan semakin yakin bahwa kekhawatiran dan ketakutannya tentang hubungan pertemanan memang benar adanya. Terbukti dari bagaimana orang-orang sekitarnya melukainya dengan meninggalkannya, sama seperti di masa lalunya.

Berulang kali saya berusaha meyakinkan dia untuk melepaskan luka-luka itu. Berulang kali saya berusaha mengubah persepsinya tentang kejadian di masa lalunya. Namun berulang kali pula dia menolak mentah-mentah dengan alasan yang tidak dapat saya mengerti. Yang tidak disadarinya adalah bahwa dengan dia menyimpan luka-lukanya, dia tidak hanya membiarkan dirinya terus berdarah, tapi dia juga melukai orang yang sungguh-sungguh mengasihinya. Disadari atau tidak disadari dia terus menorehkan luka di hati orang lain.

Sebagai seorang terapis, saya mengerti betul mengapa hal ini bisa terjadi. Namun sebagai manusia, saya merasa hal ini sangat tidak masuk akal. Mengapa orang mau menyiksa dirinya terus menerus dengan menyimpan dan mengantongi hal buruk yang seharusnya bisa dibersihkan? “Aneh!” begitu pikir saya. Tapi betulkah ini hal yang aneh?

Saya baru menyadari bahwa membuang luka dan menyembuhkan diri dari luka-luka lama tidaklah semudah menghapus coretan di atas kertas. Betapa pun kita tahu bahwa kita harus sembuh, kita memilih untuk berpegang pada luka itu. Sebagai pengingat. Sebagai kenangan. Sebagai alat. Dan puluhan alasan lain. Sebagai manusia, saya pun mengantongi bilur luka sendiri yang ternyata tidak mudah untuk dihapuskan.

Bagi saya, alasan untuk mengantongi luka dan rasa sakit itu karena luka itu merupakan pengingat bahwa di satu masa, 12 tahun lalu, saya pernah memiliki sesuatu yang sangat berharga. Begitu berharga sehingga saat dia bukan milik saya lagi, luka itu saya biarkan terus menganga.

Mengapa? Padahal saya sudah mendapatkan penggantinya. Pengganti yang sama berharga dan sama saya kasihi dengan seluruh jiwa dan raga saya. Pengganti yang sudah mampu menghibur saya setiap hari selama 10 tahun, 6 bulan, 27 hari (hingga hari ini). Mengapa luka itu terus saya bawa?

Karena saya tidak mau melupakannya. Karena saya takut bahwa pada saat luka itu tidak ada lagi, dia pun terlupakan. Karena saya takut bahwa pada saat rasa sakit sudah tidak saya rasakan, dia pun hilang dari hidup saya. Karena saya tidak mau dia hilang dari memory saya. Dan satu-satunya cara untuk menyimpan dia dalam hati saya adalah dengan menggantungkan kenangan saya pada luka yang tertoreh. Rasa sakit itu pengingat. Rasa sakit itu jembatan menuju masa lalu. Rasa sakit itu satu-satunya cara bagi saya untuk mengenangnya. Yang saya lupa adalah bahwa rasa sakit itu juga ternyata tembok bagi saya untuk merasakan kebahagiaan seutuhnya di saat sekarang. Rasa sakit itu merupakan penghalang bagi kesempatan-kesempatan untuk bisa meraih apa yang Tuhan siapkan bagi saya.

Sekarang saya tahu bahwa melepaskan bilur luka tidaklah mudah. Bilur luka itu jembatan ke masa lalu yang tidak ingin kita lupakan. Bilur luka itu pengingat bahwa kita pernah ada di sana. Bilur luka itu adalah warning sign agar kita dapat berjaga dan bersiap-siap saat ada orang yang akan berbuat hal yang sama pada kita.

Oleh sebab itu tidaklah adil bagi saya, sebagai seorang terapis maupun sebagai seorang teman, untuk meminta orang yang datang pada saya untuk melepaskan luka lama. Karena luka itu merupakan bagian dari proses pendewasaan. Yang harus dilakukan adalah mengubah persepsi tentang suatu masalah dan kejadian. Persepsi yang kita kantongi ternyata hanyalah ilusi. Dan seperti layaknya sebuah optical illusion, selalu ada lebih dari satu cara untuk melihat suatu kejadian. Semua bergantung pada seberapa kuat kita menginginkan “kesembuhan” dan seberapa penting proses pendewasaan bagi kita.

Karena suya mengalami sendiri, saya sangat yakin bahwa jika kita betul-betul menginginkannya, kita mampu melakukannya sendiri.

Langkah pertama yang bisa kita ambil adalah merasakan bilur luka itu. Mengamatinya dengan seksama. Merasakan dengan segala kerendahan hati bagaimana bilur-bilur luka itu mempengaruhi hati, jiwa, dan hidup kita serta hidup orang-orang di sekitar kita. Amati dan rasakan dengan segenap jiwa kita. Amati pikiran yang mengisi kepala kita. Amati perasaan yang mengalir dalam hati kita. Berserah dan rasakan. Jika kita perlu menangis, menangislah. JIka kita merasa ingin berteriak, berteriaklah. Luapkan emosi yang ada dalam hati dan jiwa kita. Lakukanlah saja!

Perlahan, tidak perlu waktu lama, rasa sakit itu akan berkurang. Tidak perlu melakukan perlawanan. Berserah dan rasakan saja. Perlahan, tidak perlu waktu lama, rasa sakit itu akan terasa semakin menjauh. Teruslah rasakan dan teruslah berserah. Biarkan rasa sakit itu mengalir keluar dari setiap sel tubuh kita. Perlahan, rasa sakit itu akan hilang. Suatu saat, dia mungkin akan kembali. Namun tidak sekuat di saat awal. Rasakan dan berserahlah. Semakin lama, rasa sakit itu akan hilang sama sekali. Hanya meninggalkan tanda kecil.

Biarkan tanda kecil itu ada sebagai pengingat. Tanda kecil yang tidak lagi menyakitkan. Tanda kecil yang tidak lagi menyesakkan dada. Tanda kecil yang hanya menandai lembar sejarah kehidupan kita, bahwa di satu masa, kita pernah berada di sana.

Untuk teman-teman di luar sana,
Yang menyimpan bilur luka sebagai pengingat,
Rasakanlah sakit itu,
Amati perasaan dan pikiranmu,
Berdamailah dengan rasa sakit itu,
Berdamailah dengan luka itu…
Karena saat kau berdamai,
Rasa sakit itu perlahan pergi,
Meninggalkan kita,
Membuka pintu kesempatan
Untuk merasakan kebahagiaan utuh
Yang Tuhan siapkan bagi kita.



People come to my office with a rigid view on their problems. It is my job as a therapist to help them see from a different perspective.
- iamcath (@clywidarsa) tweeted at 11:47 PM on Thu, 20 June, 2013.
https://twitter.com/clywidarsa/status/347757500373803008



PS:
God makes people cross paths for a reason;
to learn from or to teach,
as an important part or just be,
to stay forever or only for a short while.
Whatever it is, serve with your heart.
Do the best.
It may not be what you expect,
but God makes people cross paths.

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Apalah Arti Uang Receh

Monday, June 23, 2014

Repost from Sept 08, 2013


"Terima kasih, Mba.." kata Mba Kasir sambil memberikan uang kembalian berikut sebuah permen kecil berbungkus hijau. Permen itu bukan bonus karena berbelanja di mini market tersebut, tapi karena Mba Kasir tidak punya uang recehan untuk kembalian Rp. 200,-. Memori saya tentang permen pengganti receh ini melekat cukup kuat padahal kejadian seperti itu sudah sangat lama tidak pernah saya alami lagi; mungkin lebih dari lima tahun. Saya tidak ingat apakah sekarang masih ada mini market atau supermarket yang masih menggunakan permen sebagai alat bayar. Namun dulu fenomena ini sangat marak baik di supermarket, mini market, ataupun restaurant sampai-sampai ada artikel yang membahasnya.

Artikel tersebut, yang entah ditulis oleh siapa, berkesan cukup mendalam karena sampai sekarang saya masih suka senyum geli kalau ingat atau membahas itu lagi. Dalam artikel itu dipertanyakan apakah kita boleh membayar dengan menggunakan permen untuk benda seharga di bawah Rp. 500,-. Bayangkan, sungguh pemandangan yang menggelikan bukan kalau ada orang yang mengeluarkan uang sebesar Rp. 1.000,- berikut beberapa buah permen untuk membeli sebungkus kopi instan seharga Rp. 1.500,-? Jujur, saya sangat ingin mencoba tapi saya masih terlalu sayang pada harga diri untuk mencoba melakukan hal sekocak itu.

Setelah bertahun-tahun permen kembalian menghilang dari kebudayaan jual-beli kita - minimal saya tidak pernah mengalami lagi - saya menemukan fenomena lain sehubungan dengan uang kembalian. Kali ini saya rasa jauh lebih parah daripada permen kembalian.

Akhir tahun lalu, 2012, saya makan malam bersama keluarga di sebuah restaurant Jepang yang baru buka di sebuah mall di bilangan utara kota Bandung. Setelah selesai, kami membayar dan menerima kembalian. Waktu saya hitung ternyata uang kembalian yang saya terima tidak sesuai; kekurangannya Rp. 1.800,-. Hati saya tergelitik untuk bertanya tapi saya malu. Dalam hati saya mengatakan pada diri sendiri, "Ah, uang kecil koq pake ribut. Makan saja kita menghabiskan sekian ratus ribu, masa uang kecil ribut." Tapi sesaat sebelum memasukkan uang kembalian yang kurang tadi berikut notanya ke dalam dompet, saya sadar ternyata ada minuman kaleng yang belum tertagihkan. Di supermarket, minuman seperti itu harganya di bawah Rp. 10.000,- jadi saya menyiapkan uang Rp. 15.000,- dan pergilah kita ke meja kasir untuk membayar. Nota tagihan untuk minuman kaleng tersebut keluar dan ternyata saya harus membayar sekitar Rp. 17.000,- termasuk tax & service. Waktu saya merogoh tas untuk mengeluarkan kekurangannya, suami saya berkata, "Pakai saja selisih uang kita yang ada di kembalian tadi." Mungkin karena merasa tidak enak hati, maka Mas Kasir mengiyakan.

Saya pikir kejadian seperti ini hanya terjadi di restoran ini; karena baru buka jadi masih belum siap uang receh untuk uang kembali. Ternyata saya keliru. Malam ini saya makan di restoran Jepang yang baru buka di area Bandung tengah. Karena katanya ada perbedaan management antara penyedia makanan dan minuman, maka minuman dibayar lebih dulu dalam nota terpisah. Ternyata minuman memang disediakan oleh restoran Jepang satu lantai di bawah sementara kami makan di restoran Jepang (yang berbeda jenis) di lantai dua. Saat membayar dan menerima uang kembali dari kedua restoran ini, saya mendapati bahwa uang kembali yang saya terima tidak sesuai. Kali ini jumlah kekurangannya jauh lebih kecil, hanya hitungan di bawah Rp. 1.000,-. Saya tidak mau memperpanjang masalah karena, lagi-lagi, saya malu meributkan uang kecil padahal saya menghabiskan beberapa ratus ribu di restoran itu. Tapi hati saya penasaran dan jadi teringat kejadian akhir tahun lalu. Karena itu, saat sang pelayan restoran memberikan kuestioner, tumpahlah unek-unek dalam hati saya.

Setelah saya renungkan, saya teringat bahwa saya cukup sering mengalami uang kembalian receh yang diminta oleh pihak supermarket. Salah satu supermarket chain besar di Indonesia mempunyai kebiasaan untuk "meminta" uang kembalian sejumlah di bawah Rp. 500,-. Permintaannya kurang lebih seperti ini, "Dua ratus rupiahnya boleh untuk disumbangkan, Bu?" Dan jumlah yang diminta itu akan dicantumkan dalam struk belanja sebagai "donasi". Setelah merenung, saya sadar bahwa saya tidak pernah merasa kesal dengan kejadian ini. Mungkin karena judulnya donasi, saya lebih yakin uang receh itu akan berguna untuk orang-orang yang memang membutuhkan.

Saya tersadar bahwa ini bukan mengenai jumlahnya tetapi lebih pada kejujuran kasir dan/atau pemilik restoran tadi. Saya yakin tulisan saya di kuestioner restoran tadi hanya mewakili segelintir orang saja, tapi setidaknya saya puas dengan mengungkapkan apa yang saya rasakan. Mudah-mudahan ini hanya kejadian sekali-sekali yang terpaksa dilakukan karena restoran baru tersebut belum menyiapkan uang receh untuk uang kembali. Mudah-mudahan ini tidak akan menjadi fenomena pengganti dari fenomena sebelumnya yaitu menggunakan permen sebagai alat bayar



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My Me Time, Alone In Bali

Friday, June 20, 2014

This is the last day of my holiday, my me time, alone in Bali. What have I accomplished? Have I achieved what I came here for?

A friend said that if I wanted to do some contemplating and reflecting, I was supposed to come to a guru. I wasn't supposed to be by myself.

Another friend said that if I wanted to refresh and renew, rediscover my reasons for being, I was supposed to join a meditation class.   

I lead with my heart. My heart said I should go by myself. My heart said I should spend some time alone. And I did.

So, how did it go?

In the beginning it was rather awkward. At the airport I saw people going in groups, small and big - with families, with a partner, with friends - and this made me feel somewhat selfish. There I was, leaving for a holiday in Bali, all by myself.

Then, as soon as I reached Bali, I felt a lot better. I left my family at home but I knew that part of this trip was for my family. I didn't like the me that I had turned into the last few months. Well, I did see how I'd changed in the last few years. But the last few months were terrible. I was in the brink of a nervous breakdown. I even had a few anxiety attacks that once led me to the ER. And once, without warning, I found myself opening up to my very close friends. This is surely a sign that I could bear it no longer.

A friend told me to go around Bali and have fun.

Another friend told me to visit Kintamani and Bedugul. I don't know why those two places were chosen.

Another friend recommended me to rent a car and go to places I want to visit.

Again, I lead with my heart. My heart said I should just stay still and be quiet. My heart said I should just contemplate. And I did.

Anyway, keeping my words not to deal with work and my small "universe" was tougher than I thought. I knew that some friends told me to just turn off my line of communication. No mobile devices whatsoever. I tried that, but it made me uneasy. I wanted my life to be on pause. But I wanted life around me to run as usual. I wanted to know that my world still revolved even without me present, because that was what my trip was about. I wanted to be on the sideline from time to time. I didn't like to be the centre of my small "universe." I didn't like to be the "military base" (borrowing Nick's terms about me). I didn't want to be the most important part of my small "universe." And keeping my mobile devices on allowed me to see and feel that the world did revolve without me present.

Keeping my mobile devices on (most of the time) also made me realize that I matter in this world. I know that I am needed and I am missed (Sorry for not replying your texts or answering your calls, though. Nothing personal, really!). I also know that what I do in this world matters. Otherwise, people would not realize I was "missing." Well, I guess this is just me being vain. #blush#

This alone has made me realize that I should just embrace whatever role God has entrusted me with. I shouldn't have complained. I shouldn't have whined. I should just embrace. I should just enjoy it while it lasts.

Well, several times during this "me time", I felt like I blew it. I was negatively affected by what was going on. I failed to embrace the moment. I forgot to let go. I snapped. I controlled. I dominated, even from afar. I even thought that the whole trip would be a waste.

But, I'd like to believe that God knows me soooo well that He kept on pushing me to the limit so I could see which way to go once I reached the diverging lanes.

There was once a memorable incident. (Well, the word "memorable" cannot quite describe it, but I can't think of a better word.) I was sitting on the beach, far from the water line. I didn't want to get wet so I stayed in a safe distance. I looked at the waves. I listened to the sound of the wind, the sound of the water, the sound of nature, the sound of "God." Then, there they came... feelings that I knew I had to let go but I stubbornly kept in the centre of my heart. Feelings that I was supposed to just let go so I could move on with my life. Feelings that hurt me so much. Feelings that became the biggest reason for this trip. Then God touched me. He came with the water that suddenly touched me. I was sitting very far from the water line. I didn't want to get wet. But the water lapped my feet. I was sitting very far from the water line but the water came close to me. God touched me. That's how I want to believe. Because right at that moment I knew... I knew why... I knew how... I just knew...

And now, at the end of my trip, I can proudly say that I have accomplished some of the things I set out to do. I'm going home with a new perspective on life. I'm going home knowing that I'm not alone.

There is a big gaping hole, a deep scar, that I have to carry home now, though. But still, I'm happy. This scar is a reminder that I'm human. I'm alive. I have feelings. I'm not numb. After all, what's the point of living when we can no longer feel. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

I came here hoping to refresh and renew. I'm going home with new perspectives.

I came here hoping to rediscover my reasons for being. I'm going home with confidence.

I came here hoping to wash away my pain, my burdens. I'm going home with an aching heart to remind me I'm human.

I am content.


PS:
Thank you, my Beacon, Aan, for understanding how I need this trip.
Thank you, my Little Eaglet, Nick, for letting me have this precious "me-time."
Thank you, my Inspiring Mom, for believing in me.
Thank you, my ever-trusting Sister, Yinni, for worrying about me so much that you must've sent continuous prayers while I'm here.
Thank you, my dearest Sister, Meily, for not questioning me why.
Thank you, my ever-understanding Sister, Memey, for showing me that it's ok.
Thank you, my best Confidants, Herny, Irene, Miming, for your constant support.
Thank you, my Invaluable Guru, Sapta Dwikardana, for showing me that I'm not (that) weird.
Thank you, my Lovely Mentor, Ela, for reminding me to go home.

And for my little baby in Heaven, I love you... Mommy's letting you go but never will you ever be forgotten.. You are forever in my heart.. Till we meet again.. I love you...



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Raising Positive Teens - Part 1

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Nick: I think Koko Dylan doesn't want to play with me anymore.
Me: Why do you think so?
Nick: He's always so busy with his i-Pod and he almost never talks to me now.
Me: O yes, I can see that.
Nick: He used to play with us but now he's very quiet. Maybe he doesn't like me.
Me: Koko Dylan is turning into a teenager, Nick. It's not that he doesn't like YOU. He likes different things now. His own music, his own gadget..
Nick: Are all teenagers like that?
Me: Hhhhmmm... All teenagers, like all children, are different. But most children change when they turn into teenagers.
Nick: How?
Me: For one, they're sometimes snappy.. especially to their own parents.
Nick: I will NEVER change. I will NEVER be like Koko Dylan.
Me: Okay.... (searching for the right words)
Nick: And I will NEVER be snappy.. especially to you! I love you.. (tears welling up his little eyes)
Me: I love you, Nick... (hugging him even tighter, knowing that this, too, shall pass one day)


It happened almost two years ago when he was just eight; when he was still my little knight, my little eaglet, my biggest fan... Now, he's five months short to eleven years old and he has forgotten his promise not to be snappy. He's snappy when we ask him to repeat a statement that we fail to understand. He's snappy when things don't go his way. He's snappy when we ask him to do things he doesn't want to do. And that's not all... He locks his bedroom door. He doesn't listen and always asks "why?" in a more pressing manner. He enjoys spending more time with his friend than with his once-inseperable cousin. He ignores us from time to time. And he's just a pre-teen!

Well, he still kisses me in private as well as in public, holds my hands when walking, hugs me when he comes home from school (when he's no too tired), cuddles and asks me to tuck him in every night. Part of him is still the little eaglet that I know. But I know that very soon he's going to fly and soar, reaching his own star. And when the time comes, I'm gonna have to let go.

My fellow parents, when your once-sweet-and-cute-and-cuddly babies turn to somebody remotely similar to the ones you know for over 10 years, do not panic! Instead, be HAPPY and be THANKFUL!

But how can we be happy and thankful for those hard times? It's soooo hard to love that snappy little mouth; not to mention the hawk-eye look everytime we ask him to do something he doesn't want to do or the cold shoulder we get everytime we want to know what's going on in that not-so-little mind. Well, let's first look at the big picture and once you can see that with a clear mind, your roller coaster journey with your teens will be worthwhile.

First, let's look at what happens in different stages of life.

Nobody, your child included, is born with established identity, except for the genetic traits that you pass down to him. So when your child is born, he is a clean slate. In the first five years of his life, he accumulates as much data as possible from the world around him. The next five years is a period when the data is refined and your child shows certain behavior that reflects his sense of self according to the data he has previously accumulated. During pre-teen, between 10 and 12 years of age, your child is forming beliefs about the world and about himself. These beliefs rule his actions (moral and ethics). Then, after about 12 years living the safe and comfortable life as he knows it, suddenly, BAM!!!! along comes puberty.

In this period - PUBERTY - "everything he knows about life and about himself is swept away in a rush of surging hormones and he has to START OVER." (Positive Discipline For Teenagers - Nelson and Lott)

Imagine yourself driving along a smooth highroad, Michael Buble singing "Home" in the background, windows down so you can feel the breeze... then, out of nowhere, you see light in front of you, so bright that you lose control of where to go. Having passed this road a thousand times, you know perfectly well there is no turning so you only have one choice: drive on! You keep going, more slowly, trying to figure out what is happening and where you are heading. That, my fellow parents, is what our children are feeling when they enter adolescence.

Adolescence, or the teenage years, is a transition time for kids and parents alike. If you think it's hard for you, it's even harder for them! They are feeling some things they have never felt before. They experience changes to their bodies that they can only imagine before. All that they have learnt about puberty, at school as well as at home, come rushing to them in pails, in buckets, and in torrents. They are at a loss.

To make matters worse, the education system all over the world sees this time as the perfect momentum to separate our children from the trusted and well-established connection in a stable group of primary teachers. During high school, teachers do not relate to students on a personal level anymore because, at this time, teachers change every hour according to subjects. Children can no longer feel safe in the hands of one or two teachers that can give them constant guidance to help them understand. Now, they have many teachers but none of them show interest in getting to know them personally. They come and go as the bell rings. They've lost a trusted source of information.

How about parents? Us? Well, with a growing needs to survive in this modern world, most families need to have two sources of income, both from the dad and the mom. Thus, you have less time to spend with your children. When you do hang out together, more often than not, you choose safe subjects; subjects that do not intrude and subjects that do not need serious discussions. This is for the sake of quality time, some people say. But one thing that most people share in common is that they don't feel at ease talking about hormonal changes, sexual or non sexual - the one area that your children are at a complete loss.

Then, there is the inexplicable need to "rediscover" themselves. They no longer want to be associated with being kids. They want to separate from the stereotype of being children. They are big now. They want you to know that they can do things without your help (read: hovering around and breathing down their neck). However, they know perfectly well that they need you to help them survive. Yet, they are too proud to ask. They need to create a new identity, an identity that they can call their own. They are no longer your little knight, little princess, little eaglet, little owlet, little fawn, and other sweet looking babies you can think of. They need to come out of their shell - transforming like a butterfly.


For them to be able to do this, they need support. From you, the parents. They need you to say that everything will be alright. They need to hear from you "It's ok, dear. Go seize the day. Make mistakes and learn from them! We're here whenever you need us."

But what happens in real life? As parents, we worry. As parents, we want to protect them. As parents, we want to make sure they're safe. As parents, we want them to succeed. As parents, we want them to avoid the mistakes that we did in the past when we were their age. To safe them from failure, from getting hurt, from being left behind. We want to safe them from a process of growing!

Fellow parents, this series of articles "Raising Positive Teens" are not meant to instruct you. This is merely a reminder that we were once a teenager. We might have been lost in the past but we came out fine. We might have failed in the past, but we got up and continued our journey. And here we are, stronger than before. Let's help our teenagers survive their own battle, by first getting to know what's going on in their little world of adolescence.


Next in the series:
- what your teenagers are facing in the outside world
- how we can help them survive



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Berserah Bukan Menyerah

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Buatku, kehidupan seperti sebuah event marathon. Di saat kita memutuskan untuk ikut dalam kegiatan ini, hanya ada satu pilihan: SELESAIKAN sampai ke garis finish! Well, tentu saja ada pilihan untuk berhenti di tengah, menyerah dan drop out. Tapi setiap marathon runners selalu mempersiapkan diri mereka dengan serius. Latihan dan persiapan yang  mereka lakukan menunjukkan bahwa quitting is never an option. Jadi saat mereka memulai, hanya satu yang ada dalam pikiran mereka: reach the finish line!

Seperti itulah aku melihat kehidupan. Sebuah pertandingan marathon. Bedanya adalah bahwa kita sebagai peserta tidak memilih dengan rela hati. Apa pun alasan orangtua kita saat mereka melahirkan kita, kita DIPAKSA untuk menjadi peserta marathon event SEUMUR HIDUP kita. Seperti Pheidippides, messenger dan pahlawan Yunani, yang harus berlari dari Battle of Marathon ke Atena dengan satu tujuan: menyampaikan berita kemenangan mereka. Konon, begitu tujuan tercapai, Pheidippides langsung tumbang dan mati. Bagiku legenda ini tragis. Namun bagi sejarah hal ini adalah tindakan kepahlawanan. Dan seperti inilah aku melihat kehidupan.

Aku yakin di atas sana Tuhan punya peta kehidupan yang harus kita selesaikan. Suka tidak suka, mau tidak mau, rela hati atau terpaksa, tantangan dan rintangan sudah dipetakan juga dalam buku kehidupan kita. Bagaimana kita menjalani rangkaian tantangan dan rintangan itu lah yang akan menentukan reward yang bisa kita terima di akhir kehidupan. Sebagai marathon runners, kita punya banyak pilihan bagaimana kita menyelesaikan pertandingan kita. Kita bisa memilih untuk berlari sambil bernyanyi, berlari sambil menggerutu, berlari dengan penuh semangat, atau berlari sambil marah-marah, berlari dengan selalu fokus pada tujuan akhir, atau berlari asal tanpa arah... we have all the choices! Satu hal yang tidak bisa kita pilih adalah berhenti. Quitting is never an option!

Bagiku pribadi, dalam Life Marathon - pertandingan marathon kehidupan - aku punya dua pilihan besar: berserah atau menyerah?

Hhhmmm... berserah atau menyerah? Pilihan yang mempunyai dasar kata yang sama tapi punya arti yang sangat berbeda. Walaupun pada prakteknya perbedaan itu seringkali tidak terlihat, dan alhasil yang terjadi adalah manusia (baca: aku) menjadi apatis dan kehilangan motivasi...berlari asal tanpa arah!

Sebagai seorang yang terlahir dominan kortex (pinjem istilah fingerprint analysis), konsep berserah itu sangat menakutkan. Konsep berserah bagiku tidak dapat diterima dengan mudah karena tidak dapat diterima oleh logika. Bagaimana tidak? Berserah berarti mempercayakan diri kita sepenuhnya pada Sang Pencipta dengan menanggalkan semua hak pribadi kita dan membuang semua kedagingan kita. Berserah dilakukan dengan rela hati tanpa paksaan dari siapa pun dan karena kondisi apa pun.

Dengan mempercayakan diri sepenuhnya pada Sang Pencipta dan menanggalkan semua hak-hak pribadi kita dengan rela hati dan tanpa paksaan, kita tetap merasa aman dan damai. Kita selalu yakin bahwa rintangan apa pun yang kita temukan dalam Life Marathon kita, semua pasti baik-baik saja. Ibaratnya kalau kita diminta untuk melompat dari gedung 73 lantai, kita tinggal lompat tanpa berpikir, karena kita tahu di dasar sudah ada kasur besar dan empuk yang akan "menangkap" tubuh kita. Tapi mari berhenti sejenak... Apakah kita yakin bahwa kasur besar itu cukup anginnya dan tidak akan tiba-tiba kempes pes pes? Apakah kita yakin bahwa kita akan mendarat di situ? Atau malah salah sasaran dan mendarat di trotoar? Apakah kita yakin bahwa angin tidak akan tiba-tiba bertiup dan kita tiba-tiba membentur jendela-jendela gedung? Ah, sudah lah.. otakku memang sulit menerima bahwa ada hal-hal yang tidak perlu dipikirkan.

Tapi Tuhan memang hebat dalam mendewasakan manusia. Dalam perjalanan Life Marathon yang sudah disiapkan khusus bagiku, aku tentu saja sering harus menghadapi rintangan dan tantangan. Dari segala rintangan yang aku harus lewati, ada satu  masalah besar yang sangat mengganggu. Pelik, menyesakkan dada, dan seolah tak berujung. Bertahun-tahun masalah ini aku coba hadapi dengan kekuatan otakku yang tidak terlalu besar. Aku menolak berhenti berusaha dan berjuang agar aku mampu keluar dari masalah ini. Kalau ibarat petinju, aku sudah babak belur, berdarah-darah, patah tulang di beberapa tempat. Dan aku masih terus berusaha dengan usaha dan kekuatanku sendiri, menolak untuk berserah. Bukan karena aku tidak percaya pada Sang Pencipta, tapi karena aku takut. Konsep berserah ini membuatku seolah tak berdaya. Dan aku tidak suka berada dalam posisi tidak berdaya. Aku pejuang. Aku seorang fighter. Walaupun aku tahu tenaga dan pikiranku terbatas tapi dalam hidupku aku selalu berpikir bahwa kalau aku tidak berjuang, aku akan mati.

Setelah bertahun-tahun, akhirnya aku lelah berjuang. Aku mulai memaksakan diri untuk menikmati masalah dan tekanan yang aku alami. Sebagai pelari Life Marathon aku tidak punya pilihan kecuali terus berlari. Aku punya pilihan untuk berlari sambil marah dan menyesali nasib. Tapi aku tahu bahwa dengan begitu, perjalananku akan terasa sangat berat dan aku akan terus berdarah-darah. Jadi aku memutuskan untuk berlari sambil bernyanyi. Aku berlari sambil terus fokus pada satu tujuan, menyelesaikan pertandingan marathon hidupku. Aku berlari tanpa bertanya lagi "why me?". Sudah lelah aku bertanya karena tidak pernah mendapat jawaban. Akhirnya aku melakukan satu-satunya hal yang paling aku hindari selama hidupku.

Aku tidak berserah. Aku menyerah. Kenapa?

Karena pada saat kita berserah, kita melakukannya dengan rela hati tanpa paksaan. Pada saat kita berserah, kita berani melompat dari gedung 73 lantai tanpa berpikir. Just do! Damai sejahtera dan sukacita menjadi reward yang sudah pasti didapatkan di tangan tanpa usaha. Tanggalkan semua hak pribadi dan kedagingan kita. Kita seperti sebuah botol kosong yang hanyut dibawa aliran air. Kemana pun Sang Pencipta membawa kita, kita yakin dan percaya kita akan sampai tujuan dengan selamat.

Namun menyerah berarti kita menerima kekalahan kita. Kita berjuang sampai titik darah penghabisan dan akhirnya tahu bahwa semua sia-sia. Ada dua pilihan, terus berjuang dan kita akan terus berdarah dan terluka; atau menyerah dan katakan "cukup!" Cukup sudah benturan, pukulan, tusukan, dan tikaman yang kita dapat terima. Sekarang saatnya kita beristirahat.

Saat beristirahat inilah kita punya kesempatan untuk berdiam diri. Refleksi atas semua kejadian dalam hidup kita yang membuat kita berdarah-darah dan terluka di seluruh tubuh dan jiwa kita. Saat beristirahat inilah otak dan tubuh kita berdiam. Telinga dan mata hati kita mulai bekerja lebih tajam. Janji-janji yang diberikan Sang Pencipta mulai terdengar masuk akal dan lebih mudah dicerna. Sebagian mungkin karena otak dan tubuh kita sudah lelah bekerja. Sebagian lagi mungkin karena ini adalah tujuanNya sejak awal. Agar kita bertumbuh menjadi dewasa. Agar kita bertumbuh menjadi manusia baru yang lebih siap untuk masuk dalam tempat yang sudah Dia siapkan bagi kita.

Bagiku, hidup adalah pertandingan marathon. Quitting is never an option. Reaching the finish line is a must.

Bagiku, berserah tidak mendewasakan.

Bagiku, menyerah adalah saat kita keluar dari bejana yang sudah melebur dan membentuk kita.

Bagiku, menyerah adalah saat di mana logika berhenti bicara.

Bagiku, menyerah adalah saat kita mampu mendengar suara Sang Pencipta dengan lebih jelas.

Karena pada saat kita menyerah, kita menanggalkan semua ke-aku-an kita dan mulai membiarkan kuasa Sang Pencipta bekerja.



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All of Me - John Legend

Thursday, June 12, 2014



When I heard this song for the first time, I felt love so deep that it hurt. By now, I’ve probably listened to it a thousand times and the feeling that I have every single time I sit back and relax, enjoying the song, has never changed. In fact, it becomes even deeper and stronger than before.

This song is about love, extraordinary love that runs deep in your veins. Love that goes beyond what words can ever epitomize. Love that
cuts and heals at the same time. Love that suffocates and love that sets you free at the same time. Love that brings you to places you’ve never been; yet it always makes you feel safe.

Love like this is love that
builds you and helps you grow. Love that can be true and honest
no matter how much it hurts. Love that sees life from a realistic perspective. Love that allows you to say whatever it is you have in your mind without fear of misunderstanding; because that love is so deep that nothing can ever stand in between. Love that intoxicates you, turning your life upside down. Love that takes you on a roller coaster ride, full of surprising twists and turns. Yet, love that makes you feel safe to the core of your being because you always know that this is the love you want to come home to at the end of every day.

Love like this sees
the worst and the best in you. Love like this not only understands your craziness, but also plays along with you. Love like this sees your flaws; yet never balks from you. Love like this never keeps score because, in the end, you’re both
happy and content.

Love like this stands by you, through every high and low. Love like this understands when you’re feeling down and need some space. Love like this is always on your side no matter what. Love like this
knocks you down; yet love like this
helps you get back on your feet. Love like this forces you to feel pain; yet love like this helps you heal.

Love like this is love that
never bores you.
Love like this
weather all storms. Love like this never fades.

Love like this sounds too good to be truee.

Yet, love like this is
what makes the world go round.


PS: This is dedicated to
all of you who have found love, cherish it!  
all of you who are searching for love, there's someone out there for you,
and to all of you who, once in your life, lost love...
There is always hope!


What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy; don’t know what hit me,
But I’ll be alright

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around
through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

Give me all of you
Cards on the table
We’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you




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Happy Birthday To Me

Thursday, June 5, 2014


Biasanya hari terakhir menjelang tiup lilin, saya merenung. Merenung tentang keinginan pribadi untuk tahun berikutnya. Merenung juga tentang berkat sepanjang tahun yang saya terima, tapi kebanyakan apa yang mengisi kepala adalah cita-cita besar untuk setahun di depan. Apalagi setelah beberapa tahun saya lakukan ini dan Big Boss selalu campur tangan mengabulkan keinginan saya, saya semakin gigih mencari my wish for the next year.

Tahun ini, menjelang lilin ke-41, saya kembali merenung, mencari kualitas diri apa yang ingin saya capai lebih sempurna. Sesungguhnya perenungan tahun ini tampaknya sudah dimulai lebih cepat karena sejak dua bulan lalu saya seringkali berpikir tentang ini. Tapi sampai saat saya duduk di depan laptop, belum ada satu pun kata yang terpikir. Hmmm… apakah ini efek mid-life crisis seperti yang terus menerus digaungkan oleh beberapa teman? I don’t know…

Jadi apa yang ada dalam kepala saya?

Perenungan malam ini banyak membuat saya tercekat, jantung saya berdegup kencang, dan bernafas pun terasa agak sulit. (Harus hati-hati, or else saya bisa masuk IGD lagi.. hahaha…) Anyway, kilasan-kilasan pengalaman muncul begitu jelas membuat menyesakkan dada. Malam ini saya seperti menonton film kehidupan saya dengan jelas. Dan perenungan malam ini seperti menjadi tanda betapa saya ternyata sangat menginginkan kehidupan yang berbeda. Perenungan malam ini seperti menjadi momentum pengingat bahwa bersyukur membuat saya menjadi malas membuat perubahan dalam hidup.

Don’t get me wrong… Saya tetap bersyukur dengan segala berkat melimpah yang tidak pernah berhenti mengalir dalam kehidupan saya. Tuhan Yesus tidak pernah meninggalkan saya. Tidak pernah satu detik pun Dia ijinkan saya berdiri sendiri menentang badai. Tidak pernah satu detik pun Dia biarkan saya memikul beban saya sendirian. Tidak pernah satu detik pun Dia biarkan saya jatuh. Dia selalu ada memegang erat tangan saya, berjalan perlahan menyusuri jalan setapak, betapa pun berat dan sulit.

Don’t get me wrong.. again… Saya yakin bahwa karena saya selalu bersyukur akan semua hal, hidup menjadi lebih berarti. Saya yakin bahwa karena saya bersyukur akan semua hal, yang baik maupun yang tidak, saya mampu bangun pagi setiap hari dengan keyakinan bahwa semua pasti baik-baik saja. Saya yakin bahwa karena saya bersyukur saya mampu bertahan hingga saat ini.

Tapi malam ini saya melihat betapa selama ini rasa bersyukur ini akhirnya membuat saya nrimo dan tidak mau lagi berusaha. Saya takut bermimpi dan takut berharap. Pada akhirnya saya memaksa diri saya untuk menghentikan mimpi dan harapan yang saya miliki supaya saya tidak perlu kecewa.

Saya ingat di satu masa betapa keras usaha saya menyuarakan keinginan dan harapan saya. Saya ingat dengan sangat jelas betapa kuat saya mengulurkan tangan dan meraih. Saya ingat rasa itu. Saya ingat kesedihan itu. Saya ingat betapa saya berdoa meminta dan meminta supaya keadaan bisa berpihak pada saya. Saya ingat berdoa dan menyerahkan segalanya ke dalam tangan-Nya. Saya ingat rasa itu. Saya ingat kesedihan dan kekecewaan itu, saat saya melihat perlahan-lahan harapan itu lepas dari genggaman, hanyut terbawa air mata. Dan saya ingat pada akhirnya saya mengubur semua harapan.

Malam ini, di ujung usia 40, saya tidak punya permintaan besar. Saya tidak meminta Tuhan menjadikan hidup saya berarti bagi orang lain seperti harapan saya beberapa tahun lalu. Saya tidak meminta Tuhan menjadikan saya terang bagi orang lain seperti harapan saya beberapa tahun lalu. Saya tidak meminta Tuhan menjadikan saya manusia bijaksana seperti harapan saya beberapa tahun lalu.

Malam ini, menjelang usia 41, saya hanya ingin berada di bawah perlindungan sayap-Nya. Saya hanya ingin berada dalam genggaman tangan-Nya. Saya hanya ingin merasa aman dan damai. Saya hanya ingin melepas semua topeng yang mengatakan “saya baik-baik saja.”

Malam ini, doa saya untuk satu tahun ke depan hanya agar rasa lelah ini Dia angkat.

Happy 41st birthday, dear Me.

(June 3, 2014)



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Rest in Peace, My Beautiful Dream

Saturday, May 31, 2014


These last couple of weeks, the writer in me has been pushing me to start again and, finally, after a visit from the Ghost of My Past (my previous entry), I did sit in front of my laptop and poured it all out.

In the process of restarting, I couldn't help browsing over my not-so-many published notes in my Facebook account. And my heart sank really deep when I found this note...


Rest in Peace, My Beautiful Dream

You came to me uninvited.
You turned my life upside down.

At times, you robbed me of my sleep -
so I could take care of you.

At times, you stole me away from my loved ones -
so I could tend to your every need.

At times, you enticed me from the warmth of my home -
so I could fulfill your every desire.

Much to my surprise,
I fell for you..
I fell so in love with you..
I felt so connected to you..

You came to me uninvited.

You brought colors to my life.
You helped me see the other side of me.
You let me live a different life.
You led me through a road less travelled.

You came to me uninvited.

And now,

You left me without saying goodbye.
You let me stand here waiting for you to come back.
You abandoned me without the slightest remorse.
You walked away... You didn't even look back.

You came to me uninvited.
You left me without warning.

I guess time has come for me to accept.
To let you go.
To sincerely say:
thank you for the magnificent journey!

Rest in peace, My Beautiful Dream.



(A Repost From 2011)




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The Ghost of My Past

Monday, May 26, 2014

The Ghost of My Past



I woke up this morning with a sudden pang of
sadness in the center of my heart. Or maybe it was guilt; I’m not sure.. But it was painful and I felt like I was suffocating.
Then it dawned on me. It was the
ghost of my past, rushing back to me. All the events, one by one, hit me right at the center of my being, so clear and so real. I felt like crying but my eyes were dry. I felt like screaming but my lips were shut. I felt like running but I didn’t know where to go.

I was scared. I was scared that this pain would take away my life. It was already taking away my breaths.
I couldn’t breathe . I couldn't fill my lungs. I could feel my heart beating faster; throbbing, tearing, stabbing me to the edge of death.

The silent, cold ceiling was now a big screen. I watched myself, crystal clear, with all the
pain and sadness, with all the fear and terror. I hated what I saw. I didn’t want to see, I didn’t want to know, I didn’t want to care. I just wanted to be
safe. I just wanted to curl up and be safe. I just wanted to be warm and safe. I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to die.

I closed my eyes, hoping that all the bits of my haunting past would just go away. I just needed them to disappear and float into the air. Just go away and never come back.
It was then that I saw
the face; the face that comforts me to the deepest part of my soul. She held me. She embraced me. She said that things would be alright. She was here, with me. She took my hands and walked with me. She showed me love. She showed me life; the life that I deserved, the life that I would have.


Then it was calm. I felt calm, warm, and
safe. I was not alone. I had her. I had always had her by my side. I was never alone.



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A Day In The Life Of A Fingerprint Analyst

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

In my job as a teacher and consultant, I have seen how parents (including myself) get confused when it comes to children's 'theatrics'. Many times, parents cannot understand why their 2-year-old goes into a terrible tantrum every time she is put in her car seat while her brother who is now 4 has never had that attitude. At other times, parents find it so annoying that their children do not want to join in the ballet lesson that they usually enjoy so much - not until the last 15 minutes of the session. As a fingerprint analyst, I have met hundreds of parents with similar problems . . . getting lost in 'translation' when raising their children.

I find all my consultation sessions interesting and enlightening but there is one that I find very touching. It is a session with a mother of a six-year-old girl who, according to her mom, is unpredictable and difficult to deal with. All through the consultation session, the mother could not restrain herself from laughing and crying at the same time because at that moment she felt that she had finally found the 'manual' she could refer to when she needed to understand her little girl.

Her six-year-old girl really loves ballet. She always looks forward to her ballet lessons but there are times when she refuses to participate as soon as she enters the class. She just sits and watches others. Her mom is often frustrated and, on the day that we met, was at the edge of her patience. She was going to call it quit to the ballet lesson.

In the session, we found out that the girl has a high need for comfort. She needs to 'warm up' before doing an activity. She needs to be comfortable and she needs to start from something familiar before moving on to a new thing. Her mom then realized that most of the time, when the girl refused to join in, it was because they had to start with something new or something that she was not really familiar with. However, she would readily take part in the dance as soon as she heard a song that she liked or when she recognized the dance that she had learned before.

Another thing that came to light was the reason why her daughter often backs down from challenging tasks. She will not even try. It's like losing the battle before it even begins. It turns out that she is the type of person who always wants to do things in the best way possible and the best result is her goal. So, when she sees the goal as being too hard or challenging, she will not even try for fear that she will fail or her work will not be as good as she wants it to be. After talking about this, she realizes that instead of verbally forcing her child to try and do something, she can actually help her see that, most of the time, it is the effort that matters. Quality will come later.

I have talked to a lot of parents and none of those talks  have passed without me learning something valuable. I am always reminded that everybody is born unique. It is not fair for us to force our children to do things our way. When we can really understand our kids, we can have better communication with them. At the end of the day it is always very rewarding to see how parents realize that understanding their children is the first and most important tool in enjoying the journey that they have with their children.

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Where Do Babies Come From ?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sex education...


Hhhmmm... It certainly is
not the kind of topic that we normally discuss at our dinner table or on our way to school, is it? Our c u l t u r e has put us in a position where discussing sex with our children can make us a terrible liar, a lame story teller, or even temporary deaf.

As for me, I'm not the type of mom who dodge questions so I always try my best to answer Nick's questions, that may range from
'why does water turn to ice when it's cold?' to 'why does God make earthquakes?'. For me, questions about God are scarier and trickier than questions about sex. So, when the time came for me to answer questions about the birds and the bees, I felt prepared. Little did I know that not all my answers can give the result that I'm hoping for.

Like other kids, Nick became curious about where babies came from so I told him all the facts about reproductive system. We read a book about human reproductive system together and we learnt that men produced sperms and women produced eggs. There were no leaves unturned about what would happen when sperms met the egg. At the end of our reading session, he seemed so happy and   satisfied and I couldn't help feeling proud of myself for being able to take my responsibility in this matter.

Trust me, it was not hard!

Then, the result of our reading session came to light when one night, Nick said,
"Come on, Mom, make your egg hatch! I want to have a baby brother or sister." I was confused by what he was saying so I asked him what he meant. Then, very confidently, he said, "If you want to have a baby in your tummy, the tadpole thingy have to hatch from your egg, right? Then they will race to your heart and the winner will then go to your egg and becomes a baby. So you will have to hatch your egg soon. I can't wait to have a baby brother or baby sister, Mom."

It was then that I realized that this matter was far from over. My next homework:
How do the sperms meet the egg?

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A Decade and One

Friday, September 16, 2011

Today, eleven years ago
We said 'I do'

Today, eleven years ago
We became one

Today, eleven years ago
We planned our future together
Every piece and every stone
We designed
We built

Now, eleven years have passed
I still say 'I do'
I do love you
I do cherish the time I spend with you

Now, eleven years have passed
We have gone through a lot
Our best of time
Our darkest moment

Nothing can compare to this
A life I will not trade for the world
A love I will not pass on any day
A heart I will not betray no matter what

Happy eleventh anniversary, my other half

I loved you then
I love you now
I will love you forever



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